So, over the last few months I've been working my guts out. Besides working and shopping there have been men that come and go and surprisingly enough The Persian Trainer is still around, although we are just friends. There were three men total when the one I really like came around. The Persian Trainer was one, The College Football Player, and The Dood.
The Persian we've spoken about before. He did, or rather I allowed him to break my heart again. I started to adopt the philosophy that I can't make him be what I want but I can enjoy him while he's around. Since I look at him in a different light our friendship got stronger and he's actually the go-to to have insight into a male brain....scary as it might be it helps! I believe, but can't bring it up because we have fights, that he has issues over his ex really leaving him broken. At this point we are actually better friends than we ever have been.
The College Football Player, he's an oldie and mostly gone. We had seen each other on and off for years before and after my marriage. He is the "perfect on paper" guy. He makes big cash, he's manly, hunter, could protect me before during and after a zombie Apocalypse, and strong silent type. I tried to date him again a few months ago. I was genuinely excited but to no avail. I gave him one last shot, he proved he never changed from the problems we had before, I called it quits again. He still sends me text messages and I stand firm on my decision.
The Dood, he's a flaky type guy that is funny, dry, self sufficient, and I really had an interest in. The bad thing about him is he wants the girl to approach him. I am not that girl. He also has big issues from an ex and started to get kinda strange on me. He could fix anything you put in front of him but I cant exactly pin down what his total issue is. I dunno really where he is at this time, might be riding across country on a mountain bike, who knows.
The Beav (me of course) was starting to get down. Work beats me up, dating was looking bleak, life was getting tough, banging my head on my desk was the best option. Enter, The Russian. I've been on a dating website since, I dunno, the stone ages I think. I'm not gonna lie, during my slutty phase the website gets me a lot of play. Unfortunately for the males of the world I'm no longer in a slutty phase, but I digress. I wake up with a notification on my phone saying I got a new message. The message comes from a 22 year old college man. He thinks I'm beautiful, I'm sure it's a prank. So I look over his profile and casually respond. From then on he's actually interested, I'm in shock. A month of talking on the phone and emails we meet in person.
Turns out, The Russian is not just a college student. He's a PhD student...uhhh what. He does research on Alzheimer's Disease and a million other things that have his email and phone going off all the time. I consider myself to be pretty darn smart, both street smarts and book smarts. The things that come out of his mouth I'm like "uhhhhh what".
We are set to meet over lunch, I'm almost at anxiety levels because well I'm a few years older than him and WTF do we have in common. We meet, lunch lasts two hours and conversation is super easy. I leave and call my friend and all the sudden he's beeping in. I'm like "uuuh I'll call you back, The Russian is calling me". So I tentatively answer the phone and he tells me how glad he was to meet me, how he enjoyed lunch, and he wants to see me again tonight. In my head I'm screaming "no way, stfu, he's not serious". Oh he's serious. Long story short, second date in one day goes phenomenal.
So it's been a month since I've seen him, he still calls and we still email and communicate. At this point I'm getting super anxiety. I'm thinking, oh great I got the brush off again. He's not that into me and doesn't want to see me again. Work is giving me major anxiety, we have been looking for a new house since the county is going to buy this one and we have to be out in March 2012, basically life is rough. I cried two mornings in a row over my oatmeal. The second day I looked up at the ceiling pleading with god "please, not again. Please I don't want to get my heart broken again by another man. Please god I need help".
I trudge off to work and I'm typing away on cases when all the sudden my phone goes off with text messages, it's my angel in the form of Gracie. She gets me to spill my guts. I tell her all about the fantastic dates and the fact he's still calling me and giving me justifications of his absence such as publishing a book, traveling, and broken phone. Either he is serious or very creative. The thing I forget about Gracie is that she's the romantic optimist. I'm surrounded by relationship-phobic or relationship battlescarred people that all I hear is negative. Gracie is the romantic optimist. Long story short again she threatens physical harm and makes me step back and say "you're right, wtf am I rushing for". The Russian did say he wanted to take it super slow and I was trying to rush him. He wants to see me again and I totally want to see him too. Think good thoughts for me people!
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
I love my job....
I do love my job, I love the investigations, I love calling people out when they BS me. I love hanging out with kids and making them laugh. The unit, however, I do not love. My supervisor told me yesterday that I am in fact very good at what I do, she is very happy to have me in her unit, but...big but...I have a bad attitude.
Most people that know me well, not just know me but know me WELL, generally like me. I have a pretty good reputation among my peers in being well loved. I went to see all my old co-workers and the new police station and was told about a zillion times how much they love me and miss me. Let me set the scene...
February 5th, mom had been in Dallas for the week prior because of my grandma's failing health and on this date my beloved grandmother, my namesake and the woman I shared a birthday with my entire life passed away. She had been on hospice and miserable so it was good and sad. Good she is no longer miserable and in pain, sad because she's gone and I can't call her and talk to her like we have my entire life.
February 6th, I call my supervisor and say "hey, those two days off for a death in the family, I need them my grandma died yesterday" supervisor says "ok, when is the funeral" I say "no funeral, my grandma and grandpa never wanted one" supervisor says "well the two days off are for funeral leave, for a funeral" as i'm standing there stunned and heartbroke all over again. I get the next two days off anyways.
February 9th, I get back to my office a little weepy and sad and check my email. A scathing email was sent on the 7th about what a poor job i'm doing. heartbroke and crying all over again.
I continue on with my work because I genuinely love my job, investigations that is.
February 17th, I was taking the next day off to go to Dallas with my mom so that we could pack up my beloved grandma's condo. At approximately 4:30 that afternoon (supposed to get off 5:00 pm mind you) I get 2 new cases and by the way they have to be seen today. Do I react poorly, yes. Do I get up and throw things down the hallway and scream out the door of my office, no. Did I want to, abso-freakin-lutely. I did in fact get upset and fume silently and continue working. The supervisor comes into my office and feels the need to justify why she gave me new cases. I go check them out and am off the next 4 days.
February 22nd, I come back knowing that I have my monthly conference *yay, not* the supervisor tells me in this conference that I have a great rapport with people, she never gets complaints on me, she totally trusts my judgements on cases, I have great common sense, and she's really happy i'm in her unit. However, I have a bad attitude. Really?!? Oh yes, I have a bad attitude and she feels that she has to walk on eggshells around me because she doesn't like the way I reacted when she gave me new cases before I was off for the weekend. Also the secretary for the unit didn't even want to tell me that I was getting new cases because she didn't know how I would react. I tell her I have been under great stress from the loss of my only grandmother and my family fracturing over dividing up her things. She tells me that if I felt that I needed more time off due to the death in the family I should feel free to call her anytime and i'll get all the time off I want. I sit there in shock replaying the conversation in my head that funeral days are for funerals only and I really shouldn't get them because my grandmother elected not thave a funeral.
I love my job, I do not like the manner and volume in which new cases are assigned to me but I do in fact love my job. How have I functioned in life and not been a social pariah. I have best friends that love me deeply and care about me very much. These people feel to me like they have no interest in knowing one single thing about me and have no plans to know me. I just want to yell "meh" and "bah" at all of them and offer them no help ever.
There is one new girl in the unit that does take an interest in talking to me and is nice. She reminds me of me but crazier. I have hope for her but the rest I say, meh.
Most people that know me well, not just know me but know me WELL, generally like me. I have a pretty good reputation among my peers in being well loved. I went to see all my old co-workers and the new police station and was told about a zillion times how much they love me and miss me. Let me set the scene...
February 5th, mom had been in Dallas for the week prior because of my grandma's failing health and on this date my beloved grandmother, my namesake and the woman I shared a birthday with my entire life passed away. She had been on hospice and miserable so it was good and sad. Good she is no longer miserable and in pain, sad because she's gone and I can't call her and talk to her like we have my entire life.
February 6th, I call my supervisor and say "hey, those two days off for a death in the family, I need them my grandma died yesterday" supervisor says "ok, when is the funeral" I say "no funeral, my grandma and grandpa never wanted one" supervisor says "well the two days off are for funeral leave, for a funeral" as i'm standing there stunned and heartbroke all over again. I get the next two days off anyways.
February 9th, I get back to my office a little weepy and sad and check my email. A scathing email was sent on the 7th about what a poor job i'm doing. heartbroke and crying all over again.
I continue on with my work because I genuinely love my job, investigations that is.
February 17th, I was taking the next day off to go to Dallas with my mom so that we could pack up my beloved grandma's condo. At approximately 4:30 that afternoon (supposed to get off 5:00 pm mind you) I get 2 new cases and by the way they have to be seen today. Do I react poorly, yes. Do I get up and throw things down the hallway and scream out the door of my office, no. Did I want to, abso-freakin-lutely. I did in fact get upset and fume silently and continue working. The supervisor comes into my office and feels the need to justify why she gave me new cases. I go check them out and am off the next 4 days.
February 22nd, I come back knowing that I have my monthly conference *yay, not* the supervisor tells me in this conference that I have a great rapport with people, she never gets complaints on me, she totally trusts my judgements on cases, I have great common sense, and she's really happy i'm in her unit. However, I have a bad attitude. Really?!? Oh yes, I have a bad attitude and she feels that she has to walk on eggshells around me because she doesn't like the way I reacted when she gave me new cases before I was off for the weekend. Also the secretary for the unit didn't even want to tell me that I was getting new cases because she didn't know how I would react. I tell her I have been under great stress from the loss of my only grandmother and my family fracturing over dividing up her things. She tells me that if I felt that I needed more time off due to the death in the family I should feel free to call her anytime and i'll get all the time off I want. I sit there in shock replaying the conversation in my head that funeral days are for funerals only and I really shouldn't get them because my grandmother elected not thave a funeral.
I love my job, I do not like the manner and volume in which new cases are assigned to me but I do in fact love my job. How have I functioned in life and not been a social pariah. I have best friends that love me deeply and care about me very much. These people feel to me like they have no interest in knowing one single thing about me and have no plans to know me. I just want to yell "meh" and "bah" at all of them and offer them no help ever.
There is one new girl in the unit that does take an interest in talking to me and is nice. She reminds me of me but crazier. I have hope for her but the rest I say, meh.
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