wow....

I've been gone for a while...oops. Hi! Ummm so I'm a full fledged Investigator with a caseload that's growing every day. I love Investigations and don't want to go anywhere else. I have my first removal this coming week and appeared in court last week for the first time. I got this super cute faux black and white leopard print wrap dress and wore it to Juvie court, I'm standing there praying to god the judge keeps this girl one more week so I'll have ample time to find somewhere suitable for her to go so she doesn't immediately run away and I'm sweating bullets. They kept her, I'll get her this week and maybe she won't be aggressive towards me. Of course I'll ask her if she enjoyed being in Juvie and if she says no then I'll advise her that if she runs away or attacks me I'll make sure she goes back and stays for longer than 3 weeks.

No news on the guy front, they come and go. The Persian Trainer is still around tho, he's fun. I did have a tragedy yesterday in my car. My car that I love, my beautiful muscle car, I backed into the end post of a chain link fence and it has a dent and scratch to the back drivers side corner. My fault, I was talking to my supervisor on the phone about my upcoming removal from a mom that has 38 or 39 arrests, she can't recall. Totally distracted. Meh.

I am quite excited because I'm paying all my bills and still have extra cash. I have been struggling and depriving myself for years and now I have money after paying bills. YAY! I don't feel as stressed as I used to *well sometimes I do but I think that's because I get an Venti Iced red eye (coffee with an extra shot of espresso) with sweet and low and that's a crapton of caffeine* so yeah. My unit lost 2 investigators, they just up and quit so we are down to 4 of us. They are still totally bitchy and I have friends in 3 other units and every one of them asked me to come to their unit. We'll see how it works out. I really want to go back to the town I worked at the PD and be in the rural area.

Oh yeah, The Gay Husband is back, we've been talking every two weeks or so. Gracie can attest to this but I'm a little stubborn. OK, a lot stubborn. He called me about 2 weeks ago asking how work was going and we were chit chatting. We talked for about an hour and before he hung up he said he loves me. Same thing last night, slow and steady but I'm glad to have him back. He was telling stories to his friends about me when we worked on the ambulance. There's one about a girl pulling a knife on him and I get to destination and swing open the back doors and he had her trussed up like a thanksgiving turkey. Then the bendy straw incident where I was driving 80 mph with lights and sirens responding to an emergency complaining that I had to bend my head to get a drink and why didn't every restaurant have bendy straws. *He loves that one*, or him having to sedate a patient further because I was in rush hour traffic in a literal downpour trying to get across Dallas with a burn victim cussing because traffic was bad and I was in a rush and we were driving in the beginning stages of what turned out to be a flood.

Why do I always have jobs where I come out with the craziest war stories ever told.

What a week...

So Friday October 1st I officially graduated from training. The graduation ceremony is supposed to be a thing where your unit shows up and yells for you and now you're a caseworker. Two people out of the 9 in my unit showed. My supervisor was at court, my mentor is still on maternity leave, the girl in the office next door left on vacation, and I dunno where the rest were. The mentor i'll excuse. She's the only one out of the whole bunch that was always nice to me and included me, plus she pushed a human being out of her body only a month ago.

My peer trainer showed up that I really connected with and when she asked where my whole unit was she looked sad that no one bothered to come. I got a super huge lecture from my supervisor because she says she's gotten several complaints about me that i'm not willing to help out and me saying "I sure wish I had my own caseload to work on" translated into "WTF I don't wanna do your work!" instead of "i'm excited to finally be a fully functioning member of the unit and ready to do what I was hired for". Working in an office full of chicks is the pits!

So my supervisor was telling me that I need to build positive relationships with these people and go out of my way to do things for them. How I worked for almost 10 years in ambulances and offices roughly the size of a large closet with people that i'd rather strangle that be locked in a confined space with and still able to successfully get the job done is beyond me. From the way it sounded in my brain, I need to suck up to these people to get them to help me instead of people just helping one another because of the bigger picture, because it's not about them!

FYI people, I don't suck up. Like me or don't it's up to you, because if you don't like me you are totally missing out on a ton of awesomeness.

Man...

I haven't been on the computer in a week! This weekend it seems that everyone wants to hang out with me...it's because they realize how truly awesome I am. So last night was low key, me, mom, and two girls from work drank a few beers, played some cards, and ate pizza. Totally fun. Tonight I think we are going to a club, I haven't been out to a club in years. Tomorrow might be a movie or a date I dunno. Monday may be something else...crazy! So I got my second case all closed and going back for my last week of class this coming week. I'm fitting in better with my unit and graduate training on October 1st. When it's not raining we go to the hill of death park with the dogs and the Reebok runtone shoes and sweat! I really need to go back to the gym, really really really. I have been too chicken to go to this Tuesday night yoga class but I need to go! OK so that's all I really have to say, nothing deep, heartfelt, just me being tired and washing clothes :)

New Shoes!!!

Oh yeah I forgot! I got new shoes! I'm not really a trendy girl, I think it was all the commercials with butts in them that urged me to buy them, I want my butt to look like the cute butts!

The Nike Shox did me well for a year now, and they are still good, but it was time.

The Reebok Runtone, specifically for walking and running...OK I know I can't get a super hot butt and legs without actually doing the work, but. The first day I had them I wore them at the hill of death park mom and I walk at with her dogs. They are super comfy and walking up the hill of death I could feel it more in the backs of my legs and butt. Maybe it's psychological, I dunno BUT I'm still a little sore in the back of my legs, butt, and abs. I love them.

I also did a Zumba class which I am going to on Thursdays with two friends from work. I have absolutely no coordination. Dancing is not a skill I posses, but Zumba was fun and I sweated my ass off. Tomorrow I go again. I feel better being active again.

I'm Totally Over All This Rain...

So yeah, this hurricane needs to move on. I realize it has, but the aftereffects and tropical weather it left behind can go ahead and split! This row of houses I live on floods way too easily to get almost 8 inches of rain in such a short amount of time, like 2 days I think. For the last 2 nights we have been awake and watching the street to see how fast the water rises. Last night had the gates not been opened by us and the neighbors, we would have flooded again around 2 AM. DONE!!! I want a full night of sleep, like tonight would be good. All the wind yesterday took out a big portion of the back fence, some large dead limb from the overgrown creek property behind us crushed the poor fence. Poor fence!

My new peer trainer called my office this morning, seriously no bullshit. I tend to exaggerate things but when I say this I'm SERIOUS...I could hear the excessive saliva. Over. The. Phone. I'm sure she is a great investigator, for crying out loud she's 3 levels above me, I'm sure she has wonderful qualities, but I have quirks. I don't get along well with people that butt in constantly or talk at ear shattering levels. Certainly, after all my time on the ambulance I am NOT a fan of bodily fluids.

Oh yeah, and this week was supposed to be my second case. It's the end of Wednesday and still, no CASE! There has not been one to assign to me, or a friend of mine too so I don't feel completely picked on. I am on a time limit people. I need to have my second case done (ideally) by next Friday and my portfolio of all my work completed ready to turn in the following Monday. I'm feeling a little stress waiting on other people. I don't like waiting on other people. Control freak? OK, maybe a little...

Wow...sorry :(

It's been a minute since I've posted anything, but truthfully nothing is happening (which is good, don't get me wrong). I was in class all week, Tuesday was physical abuse day. Watching a nanny cam of some creep using an 18 month old kid as a punching bag can kinda make your week start with a thud! The good news about that video is the child survived with only a few bruises and the creep got 10 years in jail (only served 5 years but people convicted of crimes against children do not fare well in prison). Wednesday was neglect day, Thursday was sexual abuse day...whew, glad that's over! I'm finally feeling better after whatever that virus is, as soon as I get over the coughing I'll be awesome! Friday I did get some cruddy news, the peer trainer I was with for my last case got reassigned. My new peer trainer is rumored to be older, 10 minutes from retirement, and spits when she talks. If you know me at all you're aware of my issues with bodily fluids. I'm pretty sure working with this woman will force me into caseworker independence.

I am struggling with a decision though. There is an investigator position opening up in the town I used to work in about the same distance from me. My friend I'm in class with is also an investigator in that town and that position is actually what I applied for first. I know the ins and outs of working with the police and sheriff's office and know the town. I'm thinking it sounds like a better deal to me than the way I've been feeling with my unit lately. My supervisor is nice but you're under the nose of the program director who has been stalking my unit lately. The other people in my unit are so close knit and I'm so unwilling to bend over backwards to fit in. The admin tech is always complaining about how she does too much work but she's always up smoking and gossiping. It's way too much drama for me, my drama tolerance is almost none. Plus, being in the rural area I'd get a good mix of all types of investigation. I don't want to hurt people's feelings, but I don't want to feel like an outsider. Not to mention the fact that working with small town cops where I know all the constables and judges already would be easier than working with SAPD...decisions decisions.

In the mean time, how do I tell my trainer to back away 5 feet before speaking to me? I think I need a raincoat.

Viruses and Ickyness

Since Tuesday I've been feeling less than myself, going to sleep early, waaay less peppy, etc. Last night around midnight I was restless and sweaty and it came to me that I'm running a fever. I never run fevers, like hardy ever. So I get up and take some Tylenol and wake up every 2 hours after that, UGH! So I get dressed for work this morning knowing that I need to submit my case for closure and finish other odds and ends before I'm back in class all next week. By 10 AM I'm almost down for the count. The wonderful thing about not doing shift work anymore is that I don't have to almost throw up on some one's shoes to impress upon them the urgency of needing to go home. It was just that bad at my last place of employment. I actually had to go to work with pneumonia at one time. I, still being on probation, talk to my boss today and all she says is "send me an email and go home, I hope you feel better" *stunned* but not questioning. So I get home and sleep most of the afternoon away.

The Nurse calls this afternoon and I explain my symptoms to her because I'm totally unable to put my finger on just what is ailing me. It's almost cold-like and almost flu-like, so she's telling me about this virus that people are having the same symptoms and fevers with. TA-DA! I must have got it on my last trip to Dallas and the virus was incubating because my sister has the same exact thing. As of now I'm still tired but the fever is gone. I was starting to wonder if it was kid germs because me being a single woman with little contact with kids outside of work have no immune system for kid germs. So mom was talking to my sister earlier and it turns out that grandma was feeling poorly for a few days earlier in the month. It wasn't kid germs at all, it's old lady germs! Thanks Gma, sheesh! Although I still have awesomeness seeping out of my skin I'm still not back to my old self, but I'm getting closer with each dose of ibuprofen and decongestants!

No one likes a crabby Anastasia...

I've got it figured out...mom gave me 50 mgs of Benadryl tonight to keep me docile. As you may or may not know by now, I'm not completely as sweet as I appear to be. I am slightly opinionated and have few problems offending people. I am quite possibly the WORST patient ever, and I have medical knowledge so that just compounds it all. This morning I woke up and my allergies are in full swing, therefore I wake up feeling cruddy. It's not like full blown ugh I'm gonna die cruddy, it's like the back of my nasal cavity is rebelling against the rest of my body and histamines are totally against me. So I go to work, sit through a unit meeting for 3 hours and then lock myself in my office and work on my case and getting it closed. On my way home I'm feeling worse, not to mention this lady in the car behind me in traffic that I swear I felt her breathing down the back of my neck. Really lady, back off! But I digress...I'm talking to mom on the way home and I'm flat out cranky I walk in the door and she immediately doses me up with 50 mgs of Benadryl. For me, Benadryl does wonders with allergy problems and consciousness. So, now I'm halfway awake, witty but very sleepies and I'm giving in at 9:45 pm and going to bed.

Odds and Ends...

That's a picture of the console of my car on the drive home this afternoon...can we say ready for fall? I know I can! The good thing about summer by far this year is there's about 30 dragonflies that have taken up residence in the backyard around 6:30 every evening and I guess what they are doing is swooping around eating bugs, namely flys and mosquitoes and that is fine by me. Usually the only reason people take me outside with them is because I'm a mosquito attractor and no one else gets chewed up like me! It's because I'm soooo sweet! So the fact that a mosquito is meeting an untimely death by being dive bombed out of the sky by this monstrous dragon fly is a-OK with me! At one point my car actually read up to 112 degrees...WAY TOO MUCH! Colder weather coming soon? I'm hoping so and I'm OK with that! It was so bad the other day when I was driving to the bookstore and talking on my cell phone my arm was bent at the elbow holding the phone to my ear and there was sweat running down my arm from the bend in my elbow, what that says to me is IT'S TOO DAMN HOT!

First Case...

So I got my first case this week...they call it a cupcake case because it's pretty easy to deal with since it is my first. Whatev I'm still excited about it! All I'm waiting on is to hear back from the doctor that works with DFPS on her opinion if it was physical abuse or not, medical records, and to meet with my supervisor and poof I'm done! I have a peer trainer that goes around with me and all week she has been saying how good I am with interviewing people, how easy it is for me to get people to talk to me. I am so hard on myself during the first interview I had to keep looking at her for help and by today I hardly needed her, in my head I shouldn't have needed any help but she yelled at me and said "OMG This is your first case and you hardly needed me!!!" so apparently, I did pretty darn good! Also this week I was talking to a lady in my unit and mentioned that I wanted to rearrange my office but my desk was too heavy, she immediately walked down to my office and together we moved everything around and I'm so much happier! Before all the furniture seemed like it was all bunched up in a corner and some of the drawers weren't functional because, well, everything was all bunched up! Now all drawers are usable and everyone keeps walking by and commenting on how much better it looks. Plus I have a handy escape route in case of emergency and people interviewing in my office have easy access to my door to make them feel more at ease, all around better for everyone!

D-i-s-gusting...

So the building I've been at for training is just gross...riddled with crickets, and the bathrooms...UGH are the worst. When did people lose their common courtesy? How can you not notice when you sprinkle on the toilet seat, and why did you not CLEAN IT OFF!!! Can they not notice the stark difference between toilet seat white and pee yellow?!? Just gross...and I can understand people having intestinal problems but are they proud of the smell and if it happens all the time then don't you think you might want to talk to a doctor??? I almost held my breath but I was afraid I would pass out on the bathroom floor!!!

So this has been the first week of investigator specialty training and the woman I keep getting paired up with makes me want to give up. She's almost 50 and has a very unfortunate shape, she has the world's loudest voice with no idea what an inside voice is, and the worst part...no internal filter like none at all! I was able to finish all my assignments and writings and computer based trainings before this class started, she has done NONE!!! The worst part is, it's glaringly obvious that she hasn't done anything. I may have to strangle her with my bare hands. I'd never get convicted, in fact I might get a medal. I made a comment to the trainer today about splitting the 6 of us in class into groups of 3 so that she would go with the other two people and they FLAT OUT REFUSED!!! If that doesn't paint a picture I'm not sure what would. I may take a butter knife to class tomorrow and start sawing away at my wrists if I get paired with her again.

I get my first case next week and I'm totally psyched. The only problem I can foresee is that I'm a shit magnet. My first week of dispatch it was felony stops everywhere. My first week on the ambulance had people keeling over like crazy. My trainer says that we are going to get "cupcake" cases but I fear that mine will be 6 kids in a crack house that are all trained to fight with weapons. We shall see...

Until Next Time,

The Beaverhausen

Beav Mad...

So I drive to Dallas at the demand of my Grandma, I hardly ever drive up there anymore because every time I do there's drama and it makes the weekend feel like a big waste of time...true to form this weekend feels like a waste of time. I leave on the 4 hour drive to immediately hit traffic on 35 but ironically sail through Austin without so much as slowing down. I finally make it to the gay husband's house at almost 10:00 exhausted because I came straight from work and 2 days of legal training. My sister is calling and wanting me to go to a bar with her but when I tell her that I'm tired she's OK with it.

So I'm greeted by the gay husband and then he sits down to play World of Warcraft, really?!? Flashback to my marriage *eyeroll* OK so he continues to play until he's ready to go to bed, by this time I'm ready to sleep too. I wake up the next day and I get up and get dressed, starving because he has no food in his apartment. Again, starving. He leisurely strolls out after what seems like an eternity talking on the phone and going to look up stuff on the Internet. I keep pestering him saying "muscle milk is not food, need food"30 minutes later he's ready to go to McD's...bleh...I end up paying because he makes an excuse about having to get to his wallet and I'm starving.

He wants to go to the circus, fine, he purchases $24 tickets. I don't really have the flexible income to afford that but I went along. Afterwards we go out again for lunch (getting expensive now...) then I go spend hours with my grandma which was the purpose of the drive to begin with. We giggle we laugh we hang I'm happy she's happy it's good. My sister comes over and we talk some more and it's getting late. My sister and I decide to go get something to eat, I invite the gay husband along he picks Macaroni Grill...we go we eat we laugh the check comes and he wants me to pay for him because of the circus tickets?!? So the whole bill goes on my card but my sister gave me cash for her. I'm a caseworker for CPS, just got my first full check. He's a fraud investigator for a large company with a Masters degree and he's getting on me saying keep it cheap this weekend. My version of keeping it cheap is not going out, eating at home, not spending money! It was cheap for him because he made me pay for it all!!! He's saying he didn't know my financial situation, I say yes he did because I told him when he specifically asked earlier in the week. I pack up my stuff and go stay at my Aunt's house and got about 15 minutes sleep because her dogs barked every time I turned over.

I drive 4 hours home at 80 mph getting cut off by mini vans the whole way (I really dislike mini vans) to my mother allowing 6 extra people to stay here. 2 people, OK 3 people is kinda pushing it, but 6?!? 4 of these people are under the age of 16!!! My bathroom is a wreck, my bedroom is a wreck, I can't access the computer because their clothes and stuff are all over! Talk about invasion of personal space. I have to go now so I can clean and have my space in some semblance of order. If it wasn't for grandma, my sister, and my aunt's the weekend would be a total wash out.

Lesbians and Bi-Sexual Girls

OK, so...lesbians, gay boys I'm behind you all the way. I support the right for equal marriage simply because if my poodle/gay husband wants to get married then hey, go for it! I have long worked side by side with people of "alternative" lifestyles. That is actually how poodle and I became best friends, we were first partners on the ambulance! Been felt up by drag queens in the gay bars because they never believe that my boobs are in fact natural. Was once slapped on the ass and kissed on the cheek by an awesome Cher impersonator, hey she was quite awesome! I have made the lesbian jokes, The Nurse even said just the other day if she ever switched sides i'm already chosen to be her girlfriend. Luckily we still both prefer men, no matter how scumbaggie they behave! That being said, this week in class lesbian jokes have been rampant and my friend that I sit next to, and I have been labled girlfriends. Hey, whatever I go along with it, yeah haha lookie at the lesbians, please no flash photography as the lesbians are easily startled. She makes the jokes too and it's funny because most of us sitting together have a huge crush on the cute new trainer, he's sooo cute! So anyways, my friend sitting next to me started randomly touching my arm, and when I say touching my arm I mean like full out laying her hands on my arm or rubbing my shoulder asking if she could get me something. The last person to do that to me was The Persian Trainer, he did it because he is attracted to me but why does she do it? She has become a friend to me, texting and phone calls, meals, shopping, girl stuff. When I consulted The Nurse earlier today she said that maybe this friend of mine is just touchy feely. I am pretty much not touchy feely unless I really trust you and we are really close so maybe that's why it's catching me so off guard. So, what do I do?

The Beav

Taking Chuckie to the Pediatrician

I can't believe I forgot about this...I took Thor to the vet Saturday morning. He was in his little carrier while we were sitting in the waiting room letting out little pitiful meows. We go back to the exam room and the assistant weighs him (in the box of course, it was pre-weighed, much easier that way) and he's a startling 9.5 lbs. That's why I worry about him, because he's so little and can get dehydrated or sick much easier. I had pre-warned the assistant saying that Thor can be quite aggressive and most veterinarians don't get out without a bite or two. So the vet comes in with 3 other people (a little overkill for 9.5 lb cat, maybe if he was a jaguar it would be a different story). By this time Thor is roaming around the room checking it out, sniffing around. The vet starts petting him (mistake #1) and the 4 people try to surround him (mistake #2). He's growling at a low level when they pick him up and put him on the exam table and start feeling around on him. The whole situation fell apart when the rabies shot happened, that's when it turned into taking Chuckie to the pediatrician. Thor screamed so loud (one of those scary Halloween ear piercing screams) I covered my ears and mom scurried like a horseshoe crab out the door. The vet still had 2 shots to give, one being a steroid shot that would alleviate any itching that was causing Thor to over groom. Great, that's all I need, Chuckie with roid rage!!! The rest of the struggle involved only the vet and his intern and 2 full sized bath towels, because 1 just wasn't enough. I felt so bad for all parties involved I almost cried. The vet gave us some phenobarbital to chill Thor out and help stop the compulsion to lick. I haven't given him any yet and since he got the steroid shot really haven't seen him lick himself. The vet also told me that if we ran out of the phenobarb that I could just call and tell him that his favorite patient ran out of pills, really no need to bring him back in. Really, DON'T bring him back in! The thing that Thor does that is different from my other cats is that if you piss him off, he remembers and stalks you until he gets his revenge. I figured the rest of my weekend would be blood soaked and painful, quite the opposite. He was attached to me like you wouldn't believe. I had a shadow, he was all over me like glue. Still is really...my poor angel!

tired and gassy!

Ever since riding with the night investigators last Friday and being back on the schedule, even if for a day, I was on for years I've been tired! I've also started to wonder something...the investigator I was riding with is female, my age, attractive, intelligent, and happily independent and not looking for a relationship. It seems that a good portion of my female friends have happily gone this way as of late, and they are all either 3 years younger or older than me. Is this a trend? Is this our generation? It seems we are all career oriented, supporting ourselves, and perfectly happy doing so. I know that I may not currently live on my own but I'm excited at the prospect and really not rushing back into cleaning up after some man like I did for 6 years. I'm not bitter, very much the opposite, I'm happier than I have been in years! My tolerance for BS dropped down soooo low and even if I do have a bad date it's not the end of the world. I really am curious about this trend. Did we learn from the unhappy relationships of our parents? I personally know that my father once hit my mother so hard it busted her eardrum. Also I know The Nurse had an upbringing similar to that, not that I think that's the only reason but it could definitely be a contributing factor.

Update on clean eating: went to the grocery store this weekend, bought a week worth of stuff to make meals out of and it's all been really good. Tosca Reno was right about saying your energy level will rise and you'll feel better because I really do, despite being tired. I did make a huge mistake earlier and had a chocolate chip cookie or two and man, as soon as they hit my stomach I was down for the count! Also, not to be disgusting and this is an advanced apology to all my squeamish readers, but I have been soooooo gassy. Not little "oops I tooted" gassy, this is full on serious chemical warfare! I'm not the only one, mom's getting the same thing (no matter how much she blames it on the dog).

so yeah...

I tooootally didn't end up making another clean dinner tonight, I had a cheeseburger instead, BUT I did bake the sweet potato oat bars to take as snacks because my stomach was growling something fierce in risk assessment training today! In my twisted sugar soaked mentality I had them pegged as being sweeter, my new task at hand is to retrain my brain to not always turn away when something isn't sweet. They are good, filled with sweet potato, oats, raisins, almonds, pumpkin pie spice, maple syrup, all good for me yummy things, and the baking......OOOOOOOH the baking smells extra super double yummy! They are good though, and better than other things I could be putting in my body. Cmon brain, get with the program! :)

As Always,

The Beaverhausen

First Clean Meal Report...

So since I decided to eat clean, it's just something I've been thinking about constantly as I do not have the full funds to go all out at this time. Although I do what I can, ever since Mrs. Adventure posted the breakfast staple at her house I adapted it to what I have and it's awesome! I eat it every morning, since the yogurt I use is plain and I also use almond milk the oatmeal honey almonds and blueberries it's as close as I can see to being clean. It has protein, complex carbs, good fats, fruit natural sweetner and not refined...yummm yummm I also sprinkle some wheat germ on it just for good measure! So that's one meal a day that's clean (mom eats it too and loves it, my sister even makes it for my grandma) and today was the first clean dinner. I got it out of the book by Tosca Reno The Eat-Clean Diet Recharged, you could also find the recipe on the website Eat-Clean Diet it's Asian Noodle Bowls and sooooooo goood! Something I will be cooking often for sure! Tomorrow is another new recipe, I'm not quite sure yet and I'm going to try my hand at making the Sweet Potato Breakfast Bars...can't wait!!! I do feel better, not as run down as usual for this time of night...

AH HA!!!

So yeah, figured out the root of the negativity on the way to the grocery store and then proved to her that what I had on my list was about $40 less than what would normally be spent on junk and crap. Yay veggies!

I am taking Thor to the vet on Saturday. I avoid really taking him to the vet, unless he needed it of course, because he bites everyone...like everyone! I always give the standard warning to all vets, but the fact that he is so pretty and soft no one listens. He is cranky and pissy and will bite, ask Gracie haha. So, yeah we are going to an all cat vet, which is supposed to lessen the anxiety and be better? We shall see. Oh, but the reason I'm taking him to the vet is because...well, how to explain this other than he is obsessively grooming. Like grooming to the point of having bald spots. *Tap tap tapping my foot* OK Gracie....stop laughing now! My poor precious angel. There's no redness or irritation, nothing bad, no scratching, just too much licking and cleaning. Along with the obsessive cleaning comes lots of hairballs, he's already small as it is he doesn't need to be bulimic for crying out loud! So yeah, Saturday morning we will see if this new vet works or not. I can soooo still tell that she's laughing, and I wonder why he is the way he is!

Ok I'm t-ired. I waited around all day with a friend of mine from class to assist in a removal of 5 kids under the age of 9. It was my co-worker, another worker with 2 people in her car, and me with my friend from BSD class in my car, oh and 2 SAPD officers. I had one kid, my co-worker had 2, and the other worker had 2. This was my first removal where we actually had to take the kids out of the house and move them to a shelter (not a scary place, I saw the place it's actually really nice) I talked to the kid that rode with us the whole way and he was OK with what was happening. Then when we got to the shelter the little ones my co-worker had fell asleep on the ride so I carried one around until she woke up. It's kinda heart wrenching but I know they are in a good place and away from what was harming them before. What a day, and it's only Monday.

As Always,

The Beaverhausen

Irritation levels rising...

For the past few weeks I've been all happy and positive, today I'm irritated. My biggest pet peeve in life is indecisive people. I understand that some decisions are hard to make, it took me 6 months before I fully committed to the decision to divorce my husband. Most decisions are not hard! I say, yes I want to eat clean and feel better. I'm tired of all the crap fast food and ready for something good and healthy. I now work normal hours and can come home and cook dinner, eat a good breakfast in the mornings, and pack good healthy food. Some people, I'm really trying not to name names, express a desire to lead a healthier life. Since they live in the house with me this makes it all the easier. So tonight I make up a grocery list of dinners to cook for the week that will result in leftovers for lunch. This person has been angry since I started making, at her request, breakfast to go because her co-worker says it looks gross and turns her nose up. This makes her angry and I suffer through the rants about it. Every recipe I show her she turns her nose up, eww tofu eww whats that eww that sounds gross eww eww eww. She does this to me every time I bring up a new and different idea. REALLY?!? DID YOU NOT JUST ASK FOR MY HELP!!! So I tell her she is doing the same thing to me that upsets her when her co-worker does it, all she says is "fine, you make it, I'll eat it" so now I'm automatically stuck with all the cooking. UGH!!!

CPS and kids actually like me...

It is so weird to still love my career...the more I learn, the more excited I am! Child Protective Services has a terrible reputation, at least by people that don't really know what we do. On Friday I rode with a co-worker in my unit to do more observing for OJT, she was going to court and that's part of what I needed to see. So we go to court and it's CPS trying to take custody of a 2 week old child that was born addicted to opiates and crack-cocaine. I did not see mom directly, but I read the report from the investigator and this baby is #4 that has been born addicted and removed or rights relinquished by mom, she admitted to drinking and doing heroin and crack-cocaine all during the pregnancy, that's the sad part. The happy part is that baby has been placed in a foster-adopt home that is ready to keep him forever, happy part! So court was interesting, we then move on to 3 visits and at first they are all afraid to see us, because investigators are the first to go see people, but when it's explained that we are NOT here to take your kids, we are here to help, the tension seems to ease. The first 2 moms actually cried at all the help we can give them. Giving clothes to a school age kid when mom and dad can't afford it, she was in tears and he was so happy. That is the AWESOME part of the my job! Offering counseling to help mom with her past issues of abuse, she was so thankful. I definitely had the warm fuzzies at work Friday.

So I'm sitting in my office Thursday and a co-worker sticks her head in asking if I could do her a big favor. I'm like sure OK, she then says "can you watch some kids while I interview mom?" oooh jeeeeze....I have like 10 minutes experience with kids, this could be bad. It turns out it was 3 kids all under the age of 5. *sigh* So the 2 older kids are talking to me, but the little girl won't even look at me. I gave her like 3 minutes and she's ALL OVER ME. Cute. Then her nose starts to run and boogers are coming out *gag* so I'm gingerly trying to clean her up *double gag* and all 3 kids are jabbering away talking to me and I'm nodding like I speak toddler. Which I don't! Then the 2 youngest kids decide they have to find mom, NOW! So they wiggle out of the cubicle that is directly across from my office and take off running down the hallway yelling for mom. SHIT! So here I am in my cute work clothes chasing 2 small yelling children with my unit giggling at me. I'll admit it, I was laughing at me too. Luckily my legs are about 20 times longer than the kids so I caught them just in time! Goofy kids. Then Friday while I'm all warm and fuzzied up there were two different 3 year olds at two different visits that were all over me. There was also a 9 month old that was intensely, seriously INTENSELY staring at me. I think it was the cleavage, kids and men are attracted to boobs. I've thought for years that kids really aren't crazy about me, but apparently they do like me! What a fun week.

The Beav

The Kitchen

Back in October 2009 the house flooded and just was a mess for a few months while dealing with the insurance company. Mom fought and fought to get new cabinets for the kitchen and today we were able to start on the backsplash...I think it looks so grown up!

New custom made wood cabinets, granite counter top, new sink, new faucet, and the tumbled marble backsplash. Tomorrow we will apply the seal stuff and grout and ta da! The kitchen is the last part of the house that needed to get fixed. There is already new tile all over the house and walls painted, bathrooms fixed, and now the kitchen is almost done!

Oh yeah, in other news. I haven't seen the ex husband since the day he left. I filed for divorce and did all the paperwork and signed it all. I get anxious whenever I go into bookstores because that was one of his favorite places to hang out. I went to Barnes and noble today and saw him. My first instinct was to turn and run and I did exactly that! Did not even give him a chance to see me! We both gained a lot of weight during the marriage and each lost a lot right before we split. I gained a few pounds back of what I've lost but I'm still smaller than what I was when we got divorced. He was huge. He was bigger than what he was at his biggest when he was with me. It's not because I miss him and want him back is why it upset me so bad, I'm still just not ready to face him.

The Beav

I knew it...

So I've hit the wall, I'm frustrated. For training they give me this big binder full of assignments and 3 supervisors and tell me they will explain later. So, when is later? Will it be the day the assignments are due? Make me sit in a classroom for 2 straight weeks and the trainer reads out of a book, no thought to what he's saying. The OJT (on the job training) Supervisor I'm supposed to take all my concerns to about the training has been out for the last week and a half. Where do I go now?!? You want me to document all this stuff, but don't tell me what to put in the documentation. You want me to use this computer program over the next two weeks to do assignments, but cancel the first everything I need to know about the computer program training class and the next one is two weeks away, right before all the assignments are due. Also if I don't pass this training with 70%, what happens then? Do I get shitcanned? By that time my old job will be filled and I'll be unemployed!!! I'm freaking out bad, I'm down to my last $300 in my checking account and it's 2 weeks to payday. I'm already a paycheck short this month, what now??? fuck.

Beav

Reflections and finally...happiness

So last night I was in the shower shampooing my hair, shaving my legs, and all the other girl things we do and started sneezing! I sneezed approximately 196 times (give or take a few). Tonight I was able to shower, without sneezing, and had time to reflect.

Two years ago I was a mess...I wouldn't have been friends with myself, but somehow Gracie became a very good close friend to me. Even though I was angry about my divorce and situation in life, we still became close friends. She was even stubborn enough to talk to me first after our falling out. The Nurse, a close friend since high school, was going through the same things I was about the same time (divorce, moving in with her mother) and somehow we are friends again. The Gay Husband, can't say enough about him because he's always been there for me, no matter what. I am so fortunate to be surrounded by stubborn, wonderful, kick my ass when I need it friends. They are flat out awesome!

Still, I was angry. I was stuck with the beetle that was breaking down on the highway and dumping gas everywhere quite frankly the damn thing was a fire hazard, totally broke, and in a job that made me want to scream. I took the leap, not thinking that I would get hired but I spoke positively about my 20:3 odds saying "They haven't called me back yet, I'm just waiting for them to tell me when to start" and finally, they did! So today, I am in my first big girl job post graduation finally making the money that will allow me to not have to live paycheck to paycheck, surrounded by people that are loving and caring, and so supported and encouraged in the training process it's almost like a dream! Yeah, I admit I bitch and complain about the small stuff, but in retrospect I'm pretty freaking happy! It's almost surreal how much calmer I feel about life. I'm in no rush to date or pair off, no rush to get to work anymore, life is good!

I surely can't guarantee I'll always feel this way about being an Investigator, I have no doubt I'll see gnarly stuff and some days not be so excited about work. For today though I'm going to be happy.

The Beav

The kitties...

I figure it's time to introduce the world to my kitties...enough with the serious posts, it's time for some giggles!

Fatty...

This is fatty, he goes by fatty-fatso, fattyboom, fattyboomaladie and pretty much even if you whisper his name he can hear it and comes running. He is an attention whore and I love him for that. He doesn't ask to be petted, he demands it! He was the first kitty I found and I've had him about 7 years now. He is the feline blanket and staggering in size, he's about 18 pounds and anyone that sees him always comments on how HUGE he is! He is a pretty impressive size. I changed his name in the last few years to Fadi, I thought it sounded more mature since he is getting older :)

Patch...

My sweet girl...she goes by Pitchy Patch, Whitchy Pitch, Patchy Pie. She comes in at around 19-20 pounds. She's large and lovely and chatty about 90% of the time. She's big mama to the 2 boys and if they mess with her too much she puts her paw down and makes them cut it out! I got her 2nd, she was at the animal shelter in Dallas, she is roughly the same age as Fatty and was brought home to be his companion because he is a HORRIBLE only cat! I'm really curious about what happened to her as a kitten because she has this shortened tail that has a crook at the end, I think it's just cute and gives her character! She purrs so loud that I can hear it through the mattress when I'm going to sleep.

Last but certainly not least...Thor (que the ominous music)

This is the evil little ninja himself. He goes by Thorabora, Thor Bor, Sacred Kitty, Bora Bora, Owww stop that, quit stalking me, and sweet angel boy. I could write about him for weeks and I know he is a personal favorite of Gracie! He is Birman, not Burmese, not Siamese. He was found in a sonic parking lot during a thunderstorm while the ex and I were taking a break from a visit to the emergency vet on a Sunday with a very unfortunately short lived dog. We were sitting there discussing the prognosis of the poor pup when I heard this horrible screaming, the car next to us backed up and there he was...a soaking wet little clump of fur. I bent down and called using the standard kitty kitty call and he ran to me and jumped in my arms. Within about the first 30 minutes of knowing him he had already scratched and bit me. If you google birman cats there is a pretty cool legend about them which is the way he got the sacred kitty name. He is soft and beautiful and people just instinctively want to pet him but he bites. Everyone gets the standard warning but few listen! I have yet to find a veterinarian that can handle him without blood loss! The difference between him and the other two is that he is mine, he tolerates everyone else but he is definitely my cat. Oh yeah, and he likes water...the first night I brought him home I was standing in the shower washing my hair with my eyes closed. I look down and there he was sitting in the tub watching me, at first I was kinda creeped out but now I'm used to it. Patch would climb all 19 pounds of her body up one of my arms to get out of the bathtub with running water, not Thor.

So there ya go, a quick intro to my babies.

The Beav

Asking for too much from men...

Is it really asking too much of a man that says he wants to spend time with me, to get to know me that he should take me out on a date? A little food, some conversation, and maybe a goodnight kiss instead of just jumping straight into bed? I will admit, I've had several very short lived "relationships" and even the relationship with the Persian Trainer is pretty much centered around sex, the difference with him is that he makes no bones about it and he offers to take me out to eat and I get conversation. The whole experience isn't completely empty.

There is a guy that has come around several times, not sure if he'll be named or not in this blog yet, and he is using the nice guy cover to make me a booty call. I am educated, I am perceptive, I know what he is after. People do not get together to talk and hang out late at night. If he would have said, "Meet me for coffee" totally different ballgame. He says, I wish we had a place to be alone (because neither of us live alone) and he always wants to meet late at night or early in the mornings. I'm not dumb, I know what he wants. There is no offer for a date of any sort and he always wants to be alone, but yet he always says he wants to talk and hang out with the sexual overtones. I am worth more than just sex! I was not as empowered in the past as I am now and I didn't always make guys work for it, sorry guys that train has left the station and it's time to put some effort into getting me in bed. No longer will I let myself feel cheap and used just to get some affection from the male species, I am the gate keeper, you can not enter without my permission.

That poor guy, he could really have some potential and if he doesn't straighten up he will miss out on the best part...me.

The Beaverhausen

I wanna go back to my UNIT!!!

I have BSD (Basic Skills Development) class all this week and next week...I'm BORED! There's like 20ish other people in the class, most straight out of college and ready to jump in and help people. That's all well and good, but I learned way back when I was an EMT that you have to have some distance and separation between you and the client/patient/whatever. I'm awesome at that, in fact my OJT (On the Job Training) supervisor has already told me she can tell I'm an investigator all the way. These people in my class are talking about part of the caseworker role is educator, agreed but they were going into "we should teach them parenting skills and job skills and money management skills..." really...really, I mean....no really. Granted there are certain things that I should be able to teach the clients I come into contact with and share my knowledge. I'm all down with that, but hello...I can barely manage my money, let alone tell someone that is possibly unemployed and around the poverty line how to manage their money! Parenting skills, I don't got em but cat wrangling skills are a totally different story!

I also wanna know why...WHY my classmates can ask a zillion "what if" questions and squabble about every answer but I question the instructor once this morning and he accuses me of quibbling with him. Audibly, in front of the class names me and says "hang on, AB wants to quibble about one word", hey whatever dude a Lawyer would gladly rip that word apart and shove the pieces up your behind! I ALWAYS get labeled the girl that disagrees or argues just because I stand up for what I think is right. Meh, whatever I kinda enjoy it! I still wanna go back to my office, my mentor, and my UNIT!!!

Oh yeah, and yesterday before class we were all standing outside waiting for the building to be opened so we could start the day, I tried to strike up a conversation with this older heavy woman that is also going to be an investigator out of another office. Simple things like, so what office are you going to work out of and are you excited? She totally blew me off, like TOTALLY!!! This is the same woman that pipes up about EVERYTHING the trainer says, she always has a story *gag*. Gracie can tell you I'm a chatty person, that is how we met in the dispatching class, we just started chatting!!! Just wait old woman...the investigators will be by themselves when we go into the specialty track of the BSD training, you won't have all your little Family Based people or Conservatorship people to chat with...it'll be me, you, and 3 others that you don't talk to! I have a firm belief that people of like jobs should stick together. Not saying that we should completely ignore all other units and sections of caseworkers but, if I have a question I'll more than likely ask my fellow investigator. If I have a question about something family based or conservatorship I'll ask them. Still, I wanna go back to my office, my mentor, and MY UNIT!!!

Ugh,

The Beav

p.s. I'm still awesome by the way!

Thirty ffff......

Really, was that necessary? There is this guy in my class that I want to kick until he's dead! We are arranged into groups by the way the tables are set up and the instructor says that in our groups we are going to discuss blah blah whatever. So the youngest person in the group was going to be the leader. So this guy I want to kick asks the girl next to me her age, she says 30, he cringes and makes this little noise. REALLY? So he looks at me and I immediately say "nooo way, not after that look you just gave her!?!" so he skips me gets everyone else and then comes back to me and says "thirty fff..." I'm sure my eyebrow shot straight up to my hairline indicating that if he continues on with that I'll be forced to strangle him...really jerk-o was that necessary!

Long time no blog...

So yeah, I haven't been posting like I was before I started the new career but I'm here today. On Thursday and Friday I got to go out with my mentor on some cases and got to sit in on interviewing parents and kids. Already in the 4 days I was with my unit (still love them btw) and I've heard some pretty hard stuff to digest, luckily for me I did not come into this position naive. I'm still pretty stoked about this and ready to get out and start investigating. They are smart though, they don't want me to rush, I have 12 weeks worth of a combination of class time and on the job training ahead of me *sigh*. Sooo...for the next 2 weeks I'll be sitting in a classroom being lectured about theories and what I should do, just as classroom lectures go I already know from my EMS time that the book is not always correct, I'll learn my own way of doing things in time.

So I dunno what happened with Mr. DHAFG but I have not talked to him in over a week now. Oh well, I've always got the Persian Trainer, he's an oldie but a goodie. He was born here but his parents are from Iran, they went back there and he lived in Iran until they moved back to the US when he was 8 years old. The differences are interesting and we always have good discussions, and there are tons of times I've made jokes about him being a terrorist and he actually said back once that I was going to be watched by the government for associating with a terrorist, so funny. The thing I already know about him is that he's just there for a good time and if I injure myself. When I hurt my ankle a while back I told him a week after it happened and he looked at it, evaluated me and actually yelled at me for not calling him immediately! *Confused* I already know he's there for the good time only and conversation, there's no deep relationship sooooo why would I call him immediately? I still don't have the answer to that question but he's been texting and calling as of late and I enjoy his company so it's a win win situation. A little background on him is we talk and then go our separate ways and the time before when we were talking (before we...ya know) we were having the discussion about oral sex. I love it, he loves it...I'll do it if he does it. He made the remark of "Oh I only do that on girls if I'm in a relationship" hmmmm...so I said "that's OK you don't want to do it, I won't do it" he said "that's fine, we can still have sex but I'll find someone else to do that part" *stunned* so needless to say I stopped talking to him for a while until he approaches me again and asked why I hadn't talked to him. So I'm like, uhhh because that was a jerky thing to say...he laughs and says he was making a joke and I warily go back to talking to him again. So I go in protected, knowing there is a possibility he's sleeping with another girl not getting attached to him. He told me yesterday that the last time he had sex was with me, over a month ago *stunned again* apparently I'm the only one he's sleeping with. Men are confusing...luckily I irritate him just as much as he irritates me. He's spoiled, like SPOILED ROTTEN and he gets irritated because I don't cater to his every whim, he actually told me once he wasn't used to being told no lol, but I also think he likes the independence. Oh well, he's fun, tall, exotic, beautiful body (he's a personal trainer hehe) and a little bit of an accent that I like.

Until next time,

The Beav

Oooooh....Goodness...

So I started my new CPS job this last week and I feel like I've found my place! When it finally came down to it the night before I usually toss and turn and wake up with heartburn so bad, but this time I slept like a baby and have gotten up with enough time every morning I don't have to rush and I can even eat breakfast! So Monday was new employee orientation, total snoozefest, then the afternoon the 10 of us were sent off to meet our OJT/BSD (on the job training/basic skills development) supervisor. Basically it's a 12 week class (for investigators, 13 weeks for everyone else) about CPS and the different areas, it honestly feels like a college class with the amount of work that we have to do, but hey I'm being paid really well to just do this for 12 weeks...I'm so not complaining! I realized when we were sitting around there were 3 different areas the 10 of us were going into. Myself and the only guy in class will be investigators, a few of the girls will be Family Based Safety Services (the position they offered me and I didn't really want) and the rest will be going into Conservitorship (when the state takes custody of the kids they do that part). So we were going around the room and at least 3 of the girls all mentioned that investigation was their first choice but they got their second choice. Wow...I was chosen above all those people. I'm not being full of myself, I'm usually my worst critic and to hear that really makes me less hard on myself. So the first day I was assigned this uber expensive dell laptop/tablet thingy and a box of computer equipment I mostly know how to use. The second day I went to my home office and met my unit and the first thing they did was show me where my office is!!! I HAVE AN OFFICE, I've never had an office, I've had an ambulance, a desk, shared a radio console, but now...I have an office with a phone extension and a place to put my stuff...I'm totally jazzed. The second day I also got a cell phone and a camera, I've never had an employer trust me with so much expensive equipment so fast! My unit is way cool, the supervisor believes in bonding and spending time together and out of the 10 of us there is only one guy and the other girls chat about like gritty girl stuff, like me, totally opposite of the last place I worked...these girls think and talk LIKE ME!!! Today they bought me breakfast and we ate and bonded and giggled. After 3 years of feeling like I don't belong and don't fit in, finally I have a place where I fit in. I also have a mentor, she came and sat in my office (hehe) today and was talking to me about some of her cases just like I had been there for a while. Also there's the unit tech admin who can get anything you ask for. I feel almost like a battered wife, they come in asking me what they can order for me, get for me, what kinda tacos I like and I'm not used to it yet but I'm way happy, they are all happy and excited about coming to work which makes for a good workplace...thank you god!

The Beaverhausen

New Career, New Possibilities

So my new career starts on Monday morning, new employee orientation. I can only imagine how riveting orientation will be *insert eyeroll here hehe*. Something happened that has never happened before also, my new supervisor called me Friday around 2ish to welcome me to the unit and she's excited I'm joining...I was stunned! I have never had a supervisor call to welcome me beforehand, it actually makes me feel more excited. Plus I was asking if I was the only new hire to the unit because I knew there was 3 positions open and they interviewed 20 people. She mentioned that I must have been pretty good to get hired on those odds, HELLO...now I feel EVEN BETTER!

So with the new job and higher pay I've been thinking about a change in lifestyle. I've already tackled the stop smoking and start exercising next is the eating habits. A friend of mine has been doing The Eat-Clean Diet and she really likes it. Reading it I know it seems really rough but I remember giving up sugar before and I felt awesome, there are cheat days for the refined carbs and things, and the energy and feeling better would be great! The biggest hurdle of all for any eating plan is to realize that I'm only human and will occasionally eat bad. I will not beat myself up for falling off the wagon, just move on past it and continue on with life. I'm going to the bookstore tomorrow to see if I can find this book and see what happens.

As Always,

The Beaverhausen

Being Brave...and Tired...

So it is official, I finished my last day at the PD and lined up my last check. All that is left to be done is turn in my uniform shirts and my time there is finished. It's kinda sad because those people were like family, the drunk sisters, the critical mother, the micro-managing father. Dysfunctional family, yes but family none the less. It seems that when word got out that I was leaving it spread like wildfire! This week alone I've been told how valuable I was and how much I'll be missed by people that usually don't acknowledge me, why couldn't they tell me this while I was still there? When I was on the ambulance and my dispatcher was running me to death if they just told me "Thank You so much for your help, I understand I've been working you hard and you're here late but thank you so much!" that would revive me for another run, so when I became a dispatcher I did that for my officers. I will admit that I try to let people know I appreciate them. Also I almost cried today. The manager of dispatch, also known as The Petty Little Napoleon Syndrome Riddled Man in a former post, told me he was proud of me today. It's not that I never hear that from anyone, I do. My closest wonderful friends and my mother tell me all the time, but to hear it coming from someone that in my dysfunctional work family was the father type figure brought up emotions about my own lack of a father and how he doesn't even know I have a new career or the nature of it.

Another thing that always shocks me is that people think of me as brave. I don't necessarily feel brave, to me it feels like I go charging off into some half thought out scheme with nothing going on in my head. In the last few years I've almost completely recovered financially from my decision to divorce my husband, lost weight, stopped smoking, graduated college, and some other things I'm sure that seem trivial to me but inspire other people. I have tattoos and have had piercings in unmentionable places and have even inspired others to do those things. I don't think I'm brave, I think I'm actually kinda dumb. Awesome, but dumb. It seems that even my quitting and going to a new job inspired a few people to not be complacent and comfortable in a place where you are unhappy. Is it bravery or is it a different set of priorities? I would actually tell you that my life is completely self centered, and I'm very happy with it that way.

What an emotionally draining day,

A. B.

Student Loans Give Me The Scratch!

So I had a dream of graduating college, getting at least a bachelors degree, pursuing a career that will make me happy and living a better life...all this came tumbling down when the grace period was officially over. With the recent economy in crisis my student loan that I got from 1 bank each time I re-upped was sold off to 4 different loan servicers. Really???...and I've got bills from each one wanting payment PRONTO! So consolidation here I come. I don't understand though because each payment is going to the US Dept of Education...and if you go to the department of education website it shows all my educational loans listed with 4 different companies. They know they have me bent over a barrel, they just don't care! It's like when I had surgery in January 2009, I got bills from everyone! The hospital, the surgeon, the anesthesiologist, 2 different labs, and lord knows who else. The one silver lining of the whole thing, because of the nature of my new employer I may only have to pay student loans back for 10 years and then be forgiven for the rest...whew! I wonder who I can start billing for my precious time...hmmm. Student loans give me the scratch!

No One Else Has The Guts To Be,

The Beaverhausen

Reality and Eye Pain...

So I've made it through another weekend, only 3 more shifts to go at the PD and reality is starting to set in. As much as my coworkers drove me nuts they also made me laugh a lot. I am such a creature of habit, about 90% of the time I love a good schedule. My grandfather was the same way and I find this is how I am just like him, I do the same things at the same time, go to the gym at the same time, leave for work around the same time every day, I'm very boring in this manner and I love it. Stability makes me happy and secure. My jobs I've had for the last 9 years have all been chaotic and crazy, that's how I get my chaos in, home needs to be safe and stable, but I digress. I'm really scared of new things, leaving my comfort zone and going to a new place of employment really gives me the scratch. There will be new people and new things to learn and my confidence will be shaken to the core. It's not that I doubt my ability to do it, it's just new and I'm nervous! I know this is the right thing to do, my instincts were saying this is right and it's time to go, so go I must. I guess with all my nervous energy I'll have to find a new yoga class, suck it up and go to the hard pilates class on Saturdays and Bodypump it until my muscles give out. I went to a Bodypump class Friday before the date after missing last week and I'm very aware of my thighs and triceps.

So my eye has been hurting and it's clearly something on the surface so I'm thinking my eye is scratched. It feels better than it did this morning but man, still it's uncomfortable! I called the eye doctor's office to leave a message and find out that they aren't open until Tuesday and there is a phone number on the answering machine to call the doctor directly in case of emergency. What constitutes an eye emergency? It just feels scratched, I can still see out of it, there is no fluid gushing out of it and it is still securely in my head. I texted The Gay Husband about it (because he's so smart he should have been a doctor) and he just told me to wash out my eye and put a cold compress on it, such a good non-sexual not actually married repulsed by my girl parts Gay Husband.

By the way, I've heard from Mr. DHAFG every day.

As Always,

The Beaverhausen

Yay Me!!!

hehehe...date with Mr. DHAFG went way more successful than expected and he's polite!!! When we first met I didn't think anything would happen and we laughed and played pool and drank a beer or two and then he walked me to my car and all very standard. We talked about mustangs and cameros...he has an older camero I have a new mustang. Then he wanted to go for a ride in my mustang, I'm like OK...so we are sitting there in the car for like an hour and he keeps looking in my eyes and I keep asking what is on his mind, I'm starting to feel attraction. He finally says "I'm trying to decide if I should make a move or not" so I calmly say "if you want to I think you should" AND HE DID!!! Let the kissing commence! He was so reluctant to leave AND he already wants to see me again next weekend!!! The most important part, he asked what was on my mind, and naturally with all the kissing I'm thinking sex. I decline to say what is on my mind and I say something about waiting on that, he said "Some things are worth waiting for" IT BLEW MY MIND!!! Usually the only way I get a second date is to put out on the first date! YAY!!!

I love being,

The Beaverhausen

Confidence and Bad Behavior

So these are my thoughts for the last few days. Men dig confidence, and from what people tell me I'm overflowing with it. My second thought is that the bad behavior of men is getting to epic levels!


OK so, confidence is sexy. With all my emailing with Mr. DHAFG we have been going back and forth about the pool playing that is to commence tonight and he says he will beat me I say back how I will beat him and it's really fun! In reality I'm horrible at pool, I can hit a ball into a pocket once every 16 turns or so, clearly I'm bluffing. I'm great at bluffing! Even with all my body insecurities I can talk an awesome game and sometimes even back it up! Whenever I talk to a guy and feel comfortable and he expresses liking me back I always ask "Why?" because it is my favorite question to ask. Not that I'm trying to talk them out of liking me by any means, I'm just curious what is attractive about me to them. The long and the short of it, confidence. I will be the first, sometimes the second on a low day, to tell you that I'm the best! With confidence comes good energy and a feeling that you can do anything. When I interviewed for the Investigator position I was told that I was one of 20 people to fill 3 open positions. My confidence hit the basement! I talked to my mom, Gracie, The Nurse, and The Gay Husband. After bringing me back up I went to the interview and apparently talked my way into the job. Even knowing the odds and just guessing at the outcome people would ask if I've heard anything about the job and I'd say "Nope, just waiting for them to call me and tell me when to start!" I had no clue if it was going to actually happen, but I was not going to speak bad about it and have it not happen! I am the key to my own success or demise.

Has anyone else noticed that men have really horrible behavior these days? Not all men and women are not totally blameless on this either but most of my wonderful girlfriends are getting divorced because their husbands are, well how to put this nicely...their husbands are acting like douche bags! Luckily my sisters we have more choices than our mothers and grandmothers, thank goodness for the sexual revolution! My wonderful friends are getting divorced because their husbands are having sex with everything possible, or in the case of Lala she followed her husband all over the country to be left in the northwest while he moved away to San Fransisco. Seriously?!? In my opinion, what women need to learn is that we do not need a man to survive. Although they are nice to have, we can earn our own money, buy our own houses, have babies on our own if we so choose. We need to snap out of the archaic mindset of "I have to get married and have babies, I can't be alone forever" both of my aunts never got married, never had children, have their careers, make money, own their own homes, and are quite content. Would they have liked to have children, probably, but they are satisfied with how their lives turned out. We have got to learn to be satisfied in ourselves and not look for someone else to complete us. We no longer have to suffer the bad behavior of these men!

On a lighter note...I had to have a TB test for my new career, I've had them before and never had a positive test result. So I went Wednesday morning and cringed at the little bubble of fluid under my skin, the clinic said to return 48-72 hours afterwards to have it read. OK no problem. Last night I'm looking and it's getting all red and I'm still thinking "Nah, it's negative". So I get dressed for yoga this morning and I'm thinking "Man, this thing is starting to itch bad!" so here comes the panic. What do I do if this is positive, will the state not hire me? Will I have to grovel at the PD for my job back and live in high school hell on the edge of poverty for the rest of my life?!? So I skip yoga and go to the clinic, show the front desk girl my piece of paper and my arm and comment on how it's itching bad! So she gets a second opinion and a third opinion of if she should check me in and possible chest x-rays, full panic mode!!! The Ex had false positive tests and had to always get chest x-rays, but I'm not putting this on my insurance because it feels like I'm using them to get my new job, to me it feels like fraud. So more fuel for the fire, chest x-rays cost money! So they put me in a room to have the doctor look and say if the test is positive or negative. While sitting alone in the room I can see all my expendable income flying out the TB riddled door. The very handsome doctor comes in a few minutes later, measures the bump and says "8mm, it's negative" I let out a sigh and declare him my new favorite person. I almost had a massive heart attack in front of a very attractive doctor in my yoga clothes. So I call my mother and I'm relaying the story to her and she says "Well if you had to go beg for your job back at least you wouldn't live that long with TB" my sister said "You were a good sister, at least you don't have to worry about your debt" so I fake yell at them both saying "I'M NEGATIVE!!!"...jeeeze it's only noon and I have a date tonight and no 3/4 length sleeve shirts with a hideous bump on my arm!

No one else has the guts to be,

The Beaverhausen

I Am Awesome

This post inspired by Gracie...

So yes, tomorrow night is the date with Mr. DHAFG, I have mostly decided what to wear and what my hair and makeup will look like. I have been on countless other dates since my divorce in November 2008, some successful and some not so much. It wasn't until shortly after my divorce when I started talking to Navy Boy that my whole philosophy was changed. Although it did eventually lead to massive heartache there were some good points to the whole...whatever it was between us. After the divorce I felt awful, fat, and useless. The Ex and I were so comfortable in the relationship that we each gained 100+ pounds, all that extra weight is not so good when you want to dive back into the dating world. Plus I was still in college full time and working full time, I was EXHAUSTED! While we were together if I didn't want to go to class that day The Ex would say "Awww if you are so tired, it's OK you don't have to go to school...you can get whatever you missed later". Later when Navy Boy was in the picture he would say "You better get your ass out of bed and go to school, I don't care what excuses you have just go or you will miss something really important!" that totally scares me and makes me paranoid that in reality I WILL miss something really important and be screwed. After he told me that I don't think I missed more than 1 or 2 days each semester! The Ex was so afraid of failure he would never even try, which in reality isn't a lack of trying a failure in itself? I am not that way, but I was temporarily I think I just had to get my drive back. When I announced my desire to divorce my whole family was pissed, accused me of being a bully and told me I should be nicer to The Ex. My dad (even though we are not on speaking terms at this time) was one of the two people behind me, he said "You are just like me, if there is a bell to be rung you are going to jump up and do it yourself, you will not let anyone else do it for you" which is very true. For example, after I lost 80 of the 100 pounds that was added during my marriage I was exploding with energy and ready to take on the world, Navy Boy and I were having an idle daily conversation and I have never been very athletic but expressed a desire to run, he simply says "Well do it" so I'm cycling through my excuses about how my boobs are too big and I'll get a black eye when one hits me in the face or all that fat bouncing up and down might hypnotize a passing motorist and cause a huge accident. Needless to say I got yelled at, which is good because I talked my supervisor into going with me and we would alternate running and walking. Even though at several points I wanted to lay down and die and was hoping that all the tar in my lungs from my recent quitting smoking would stick together and kill me, I survived! To this day I still don't smoke and can run a little bit further with much less effort! I even alternate running and walking at the gym on the treadmill and they have bright lights and other people in the building and I'm risking public humiliation!

Back in December 2009 I got a gym membership and was horrified to go to the classes by myself, I mean come on I might fall on my face knocking all my teeth out leaving a blood trail while I drag myself out of the room in shame! The very first class I went to was pilates, of course I'm the heaviest girl in the room and have never done anything like this and was afraid they would all laugh at me. The instructor in all her perfect body glory greeted me happily and everyone was so sweet and encouraging. By the end of the hour 1) I was sure the instructor was a sadist and liked to see me cringe in pain, 2) was not sure any of my major muscle groups would ever work again, and 3) I HAD DONE IT! To this day, as my schedule allows, I love pilates yoga and bodypump. I sweat like a pig in a slaughterhouse but I do it, the pilates instructor that I suspected of being a sadist is my very favorite instructor for bodypump and I see her every week. When I look around to this day in any class I'm in there are people moaning and groaning and struggling just like me, the only time I let myself be momentarily intimidated is when I'm going to a brand new class that I've never tried before.

I am a very unassuming average looking girl, curly crazy hair, amazon tall, and I have rolls where I would like them not to be. I have 1 visible tattoo, the other 7 are hidden. I also have piercings, but we'll just leave it at that! I can very easily blend into a crowd, as long as I don't open my big mouth. I'm pretty sure that most people in my college classes will not remember me, contrary to popular opinion I can be shy! The point to my babbling is that since my divorce I've gone on a countless number of dates, some I've scared myself to death and some I stay relaxed. Even though I am overweight and not the media desired stick figure perfection I can totally hook hot guys. In the last year there have been pilots, personal trainers, Army, Air Force, Fire Fighters, all younger than me and for the most part they are lovely physical specimens. I can not promise to never doubt myself, I am human and my own worst critic. I have my days where my greatest fear is that I will live alone forever with my cats and no man will ever love me, but this time in my life I've been happier than I have in years. There are nights when I would love to be snuggled up to a man and in a relationship but then I think to myself "if I was sharing my bed I'd have to sleep on one side and not in the middle!". I am very fortunate to be in my situation, I don't have to schedule my life around someone else or get approval on what I want to do. If I want to pick up and go see friends, I can.

When in a dating situation, if the guy stays around I can see what I would want to happen in the future but I will no longer push for it. I HATE waiting for guys to text, call, or email it drives me batty, but if I'm too overbearing it will send them running for the hills. As stated before, my whole philosophy changed! Even though sometimes it does sound shallow and self centered to me even I still use it. I spent years of my life scared that no male would deem me worthy because of my long list of flaws and that left me self loathing. Today I do what I want, I drive an awesome car, go to the gym when I want to, and work and bring home my paycheck. I take care of me, and if I want to go to the gym and bounce endlessly on the treadmill after I get off work, I do it. After my bills are paid and responsibility taken care of, if I want to spend an insane amount of money on shoes that I might not wear often, I do. That's what Navy Boy taught me. I thought for so long he was just being a jerk and didn't care about me, in reality he was taking care of himself. I ask no one for permission and I live without fear. Even if the date with Mr. DHAFG tanks and we never speak again I still have the knowledge that I went out and tried it and did not let fear hold me back. Even in the event of failure, I attempted to succeed and will try again another day. I am very fortunate to have an excellent support system and in the event of low self-esteem I can pick up my cell phone and talk it through with someone that both loves me and will kick my ever loving ass. I am awesome.

As Always,

The Beaverhausen