I do love my job, I love the investigations, I love calling people out when they BS me. I love hanging out with kids and making them laugh. The unit, however, I do not love. My supervisor told me yesterday that I am in fact very good at what I do, she is very happy to have me in her unit, but...big but...I have a bad attitude.
Most people that know me well, not just know me but know me WELL, generally like me. I have a pretty good reputation among my peers in being well loved. I went to see all my old co-workers and the new police station and was told about a zillion times how much they love me and miss me. Let me set the scene...
February 5th, mom had been in Dallas for the week prior because of my grandma's failing health and on this date my beloved grandmother, my namesake and the woman I shared a birthday with my entire life passed away. She had been on hospice and miserable so it was good and sad. Good she is no longer miserable and in pain, sad because she's gone and I can't call her and talk to her like we have my entire life.
February 6th, I call my supervisor and say "hey, those two days off for a death in the family, I need them my grandma died yesterday" supervisor says "ok, when is the funeral" I say "no funeral, my grandma and grandpa never wanted one" supervisor says "well the two days off are for funeral leave, for a funeral" as i'm standing there stunned and heartbroke all over again. I get the next two days off anyways.
February 9th, I get back to my office a little weepy and sad and check my email. A scathing email was sent on the 7th about what a poor job i'm doing. heartbroke and crying all over again.
I continue on with my work because I genuinely love my job, investigations that is.
February 17th, I was taking the next day off to go to Dallas with my mom so that we could pack up my beloved grandma's condo. At approximately 4:30 that afternoon (supposed to get off 5:00 pm mind you) I get 2 new cases and by the way they have to be seen today. Do I react poorly, yes. Do I get up and throw things down the hallway and scream out the door of my office, no. Did I want to, abso-freakin-lutely. I did in fact get upset and fume silently and continue working. The supervisor comes into my office and feels the need to justify why she gave me new cases. I go check them out and am off the next 4 days.
February 22nd, I come back knowing that I have my monthly conference *yay, not* the supervisor tells me in this conference that I have a great rapport with people, she never gets complaints on me, she totally trusts my judgements on cases, I have great common sense, and she's really happy i'm in her unit. However, I have a bad attitude. Really?!? Oh yes, I have a bad attitude and she feels that she has to walk on eggshells around me because she doesn't like the way I reacted when she gave me new cases before I was off for the weekend. Also the secretary for the unit didn't even want to tell me that I was getting new cases because she didn't know how I would react. I tell her I have been under great stress from the loss of my only grandmother and my family fracturing over dividing up her things. She tells me that if I felt that I needed more time off due to the death in the family I should feel free to call her anytime and i'll get all the time off I want. I sit there in shock replaying the conversation in my head that funeral days are for funerals only and I really shouldn't get them because my grandmother elected not thave a funeral.
I love my job, I do not like the manner and volume in which new cases are assigned to me but I do in fact love my job. How have I functioned in life and not been a social pariah. I have best friends that love me deeply and care about me very much. These people feel to me like they have no interest in knowing one single thing about me and have no plans to know me. I just want to yell "meh" and "bah" at all of them and offer them no help ever.
There is one new girl in the unit that does take an interest in talking to me and is nice. She reminds me of me but crazier. I have hope for her but the rest I say, meh.
