This post inspired by Gracie...
So yes, tomorrow night is the date with Mr. DHAFG, I have mostly decided what to wear and what my hair and makeup will look like. I have been on countless other dates since my divorce in November 2008, some successful and some not so much. It wasn't until shortly after my divorce when I started talking to Navy Boy that my whole philosophy was changed. Although it did eventually lead to massive heartache there were some good points to the whole...whatever it was between us. After the divorce I felt awful, fat, and useless. The Ex and I were so comfortable in the relationship that we each gained 100+ pounds, all that extra weight is not so good when you want to dive back into the dating world. Plus I was still in college full time and working full time, I was EXHAUSTED! While we were together if I didn't want to go to class that day The Ex would say "Awww if you are so tired, it's OK you don't have to go to school...you can get whatever you missed later". Later when Navy Boy was in the picture he would say "You better get your ass out of bed and go to school, I don't care what excuses you have just go or you will miss something really important!" that totally scares me and makes me paranoid that in reality I WILL miss something really important and be screwed. After he told me that I don't think I missed more than 1 or 2 days each semester! The Ex was so afraid of failure he would never even try, which in reality isn't a lack of trying a failure in itself? I am not that way, but I was temporarily I think I just had to get my drive back. When I announced my desire to divorce my whole family was pissed, accused me of being a bully and told me I should be nicer to The Ex. My dad (even though we are not on speaking terms at this time) was one of the two people behind me, he said "You are just like me, if there is a bell to be rung you are going to jump up and do it yourself, you will not let anyone else do it for you" which is very true. For example, after I lost 80 of the 100 pounds that was added during my marriage I was exploding with energy and ready to take on the world, Navy Boy and I were having an idle daily conversation and I have never been very athletic but expressed a desire to run, he simply says "Well do it" so I'm cycling through my excuses about how my boobs are too big and I'll get a black eye when one hits me in the face or all that fat bouncing up and down might hypnotize a passing motorist and cause a huge accident. Needless to say I got yelled at, which is good because I talked my supervisor into going with me and we would alternate running and walking. Even though at several points I wanted to lay down and die and was hoping that all the tar in my lungs from my recent quitting smoking would stick together and kill me, I survived! To this day I still don't smoke and can run a little bit further with much less effort! I even alternate running and walking at the gym on the treadmill and they have bright lights and other people in the building and I'm risking public humiliation!
Back in December 2009 I got a gym membership and was horrified to go to the classes by myself, I mean come on I might fall on my face knocking all my teeth out leaving a blood trail while I drag myself out of the room in shame! The very first class I went to was pilates, of course I'm the heaviest girl in the room and have never done anything like this and was afraid they would all laugh at me. The instructor in all her perfect body glory greeted me happily and everyone was so sweet and encouraging. By the end of the hour 1) I was sure the instructor was a sadist and liked to see me cringe in pain, 2) was not sure any of my major muscle groups would ever work again, and 3) I HAD DONE IT! To this day, as my schedule allows, I love pilates yoga and bodypump. I sweat like a pig in a slaughterhouse but I do it, the pilates instructor that I suspected of being a sadist is my very favorite instructor for bodypump and I see her every week. When I look around to this day in any class I'm in there are people moaning and groaning and struggling just like me, the only time I let myself be momentarily intimidated is when I'm going to a brand new class that I've never tried before.
I am a very unassuming average looking girl, curly crazy hair, amazon tall, and I have rolls where I would like them not to be. I have 1 visible tattoo, the other 7 are hidden. I also have piercings, but we'll just leave it at that! I can very easily blend into a crowd, as long as I don't open my big mouth. I'm pretty sure that most people in my college classes will not remember me, contrary to popular opinion I can be shy! The point to my babbling is that since my divorce I've gone on a countless number of dates, some I've scared myself to death and some I stay relaxed. Even though I am overweight and not the media desired stick figure perfection I can totally hook hot guys. In the last year there have been pilots, personal trainers, Army, Air Force, Fire Fighters, all younger than me and for the most part they are lovely physical specimens. I can not promise to never doubt myself, I am human and my own worst critic. I have my days where my greatest fear is that I will live alone forever with my cats and no man will ever love me, but this time in my life I've been happier than I have in years. There are nights when I would love to be snuggled up to a man and in a relationship but then I think to myself "if I was sharing my bed I'd have to sleep on one side and not in the middle!". I am very fortunate to be in my situation, I don't have to schedule my life around someone else or get approval on what I want to do. If I want to pick up and go see friends, I can.
When in a dating situation, if the guy stays around I can see what I would want to happen in the future but I will no longer push for it. I HATE waiting for guys to text, call, or email it drives me batty, but if I'm too overbearing it will send them running for the hills. As stated before, my whole philosophy changed! Even though sometimes it does sound shallow and self centered to me even I still use it. I spent years of my life scared that no male would deem me worthy because of my long list of flaws and that left me self loathing. Today I do what I want, I drive an awesome car, go to the gym when I want to, and work and bring home my paycheck. I take care of me, and if I want to go to the gym and bounce endlessly on the treadmill after I get off work, I do it. After my bills are paid and responsibility taken care of, if I want to spend an insane amount of money on shoes that I might not wear often, I do. That's what Navy Boy taught me. I thought for so long he was just being a jerk and didn't care about me, in reality he was taking care of himself. I ask no one for permission and I live without fear. Even if the date with Mr. DHAFG tanks and we never speak again I still have the knowledge that I went out and tried it and did not let fear hold me back. Even in the event of failure, I attempted to succeed and will try again another day. I am very fortunate to have an excellent support system and in the event of low self-esteem I can pick up my cell phone and talk it through with someone that both loves me and will kick my ever loving ass. I am awesome.
As Always,
The Beaverhausen
So yes, tomorrow night is the date with Mr. DHAFG, I have mostly decided what to wear and what my hair and makeup will look like. I have been on countless other dates since my divorce in November 2008, some successful and some not so much. It wasn't until shortly after my divorce when I started talking to Navy Boy that my whole philosophy was changed. Although it did eventually lead to massive heartache there were some good points to the whole...whatever it was between us. After the divorce I felt awful, fat, and useless. The Ex and I were so comfortable in the relationship that we each gained 100+ pounds, all that extra weight is not so good when you want to dive back into the dating world. Plus I was still in college full time and working full time, I was EXHAUSTED! While we were together if I didn't want to go to class that day The Ex would say "Awww if you are so tired, it's OK you don't have to go to school...you can get whatever you missed later". Later when Navy Boy was in the picture he would say "You better get your ass out of bed and go to school, I don't care what excuses you have just go or you will miss something really important!" that totally scares me and makes me paranoid that in reality I WILL miss something really important and be screwed. After he told me that I don't think I missed more than 1 or 2 days each semester! The Ex was so afraid of failure he would never even try, which in reality isn't a lack of trying a failure in itself? I am not that way, but I was temporarily I think I just had to get my drive back. When I announced my desire to divorce my whole family was pissed, accused me of being a bully and told me I should be nicer to The Ex. My dad (even though we are not on speaking terms at this time) was one of the two people behind me, he said "You are just like me, if there is a bell to be rung you are going to jump up and do it yourself, you will not let anyone else do it for you" which is very true. For example, after I lost 80 of the 100 pounds that was added during my marriage I was exploding with energy and ready to take on the world, Navy Boy and I were having an idle daily conversation and I have never been very athletic but expressed a desire to run, he simply says "Well do it" so I'm cycling through my excuses about how my boobs are too big and I'll get a black eye when one hits me in the face or all that fat bouncing up and down might hypnotize a passing motorist and cause a huge accident. Needless to say I got yelled at, which is good because I talked my supervisor into going with me and we would alternate running and walking. Even though at several points I wanted to lay down and die and was hoping that all the tar in my lungs from my recent quitting smoking would stick together and kill me, I survived! To this day I still don't smoke and can run a little bit further with much less effort! I even alternate running and walking at the gym on the treadmill and they have bright lights and other people in the building and I'm risking public humiliation!
Back in December 2009 I got a gym membership and was horrified to go to the classes by myself, I mean come on I might fall on my face knocking all my teeth out leaving a blood trail while I drag myself out of the room in shame! The very first class I went to was pilates, of course I'm the heaviest girl in the room and have never done anything like this and was afraid they would all laugh at me. The instructor in all her perfect body glory greeted me happily and everyone was so sweet and encouraging. By the end of the hour 1) I was sure the instructor was a sadist and liked to see me cringe in pain, 2) was not sure any of my major muscle groups would ever work again, and 3) I HAD DONE IT! To this day, as my schedule allows, I love pilates yoga and bodypump. I sweat like a pig in a slaughterhouse but I do it, the pilates instructor that I suspected of being a sadist is my very favorite instructor for bodypump and I see her every week. When I look around to this day in any class I'm in there are people moaning and groaning and struggling just like me, the only time I let myself be momentarily intimidated is when I'm going to a brand new class that I've never tried before.
I am a very unassuming average looking girl, curly crazy hair, amazon tall, and I have rolls where I would like them not to be. I have 1 visible tattoo, the other 7 are hidden. I also have piercings, but we'll just leave it at that! I can very easily blend into a crowd, as long as I don't open my big mouth. I'm pretty sure that most people in my college classes will not remember me, contrary to popular opinion I can be shy! The point to my babbling is that since my divorce I've gone on a countless number of dates, some I've scared myself to death and some I stay relaxed. Even though I am overweight and not the media desired stick figure perfection I can totally hook hot guys. In the last year there have been pilots, personal trainers, Army, Air Force, Fire Fighters, all younger than me and for the most part they are lovely physical specimens. I can not promise to never doubt myself, I am human and my own worst critic. I have my days where my greatest fear is that I will live alone forever with my cats and no man will ever love me, but this time in my life I've been happier than I have in years. There are nights when I would love to be snuggled up to a man and in a relationship but then I think to myself "if I was sharing my bed I'd have to sleep on one side and not in the middle!". I am very fortunate to be in my situation, I don't have to schedule my life around someone else or get approval on what I want to do. If I want to pick up and go see friends, I can.
When in a dating situation, if the guy stays around I can see what I would want to happen in the future but I will no longer push for it. I HATE waiting for guys to text, call, or email it drives me batty, but if I'm too overbearing it will send them running for the hills. As stated before, my whole philosophy changed! Even though sometimes it does sound shallow and self centered to me even I still use it. I spent years of my life scared that no male would deem me worthy because of my long list of flaws and that left me self loathing. Today I do what I want, I drive an awesome car, go to the gym when I want to, and work and bring home my paycheck. I take care of me, and if I want to go to the gym and bounce endlessly on the treadmill after I get off work, I do it. After my bills are paid and responsibility taken care of, if I want to spend an insane amount of money on shoes that I might not wear often, I do. That's what Navy Boy taught me. I thought for so long he was just being a jerk and didn't care about me, in reality he was taking care of himself. I ask no one for permission and I live without fear. Even if the date with Mr. DHAFG tanks and we never speak again I still have the knowledge that I went out and tried it and did not let fear hold me back. Even in the event of failure, I attempted to succeed and will try again another day. I am very fortunate to have an excellent support system and in the event of low self-esteem I can pick up my cell phone and talk it through with someone that both loves me and will kick my ever loving ass. I am awesome.
As Always,
The Beaverhausen
Hey there, I found your through Gracie. I have spent the last hour reading your blog(s) and I'm all caught up now.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with Mr. DHAFG tonight.... just remember you ARE awesome, lol.
PS: I love that you KNOW you can get the hot guys. I can too and its wonderful not being the skinny perfect girl and still knowing "I can have him, If I want him"... nice.
Yay! Welcome Mrs. Adventure! It is way fun knowing that fact even though i'm not perfect! Glad to have you here!
ReplyDeleteI am awesome too, I just haven't figured it out yet... Scratch that. I KNOW it, I just don't tell myself all the time like I should. I'm getting there. I swear it...just still finding Gracie.
ReplyDelete